Waking Up.

"These days are cold, numbers rule I've been told
The pattern's clear, better fit in the mold
You need to be brave and save your day"

-Save Your Day by Jose Gonzalez.

I felt better a few days ago. I felt hope, like a long-lost friend.

Sigh. And it's gone again.

It's really weird, this whole therapy thing. Finding out why you're so fucked up. Ron says that I've done nothing wrong, but it breaks his heart to think about everything that's been done to me. At least I'm not crazy...

All of my issues have the same root: my father, and how he rejected me.

My parents divorced when I was six. It was finalized when I was seven, shortly after my birthday. It was at the Rollerena. I cradled the new jewelry box my grandma sent me. I sat in the white Nissan Altima with my head down, as my mommy had to explain to me why she and daddy didn't love each other anymore. I didn't understand. But I did know that my happy life on 2001 Hummingbird Lane was ruined.

Two houses. Two families. One bloody divorce. If your parents aren't divorced, you won't understand the pain and the toll it takes on your mind. See, while the divorce was an issue, there's more to it.

When my parents divorced, my dad didn't want me. My dad didn't want me.

Yet, my mom refused to split up my brother and I. So we went back and forth. Enter Sandy. She has two daughters, but one (Aubrey) isn't in her custody. Her other daughter, Alexandra, joins the Shepherd clan in holy matrimony courtesy of the Catholic church.

My dad has his son.
My step-mom has her daughter.
I don't fit in. This is what therapists call, "Cinderella Syndrome."

My dad didn't want to take care of me, so he didn't really pay much attention to me. Sandy didn't like me because I was competition against her own daughter. She said mean, cruel things to me. She would make fun of me. I didn't get as much attention as the other kids.

On the Monday morning I would go to daycare, my mom would drop us off, only to be picked up by my father for the week. I would cry and make her hold me. I didn't want to go. I cried myself to sleep almost every night at my dad's house, missing my mom, wanting to run away. Even as I got older, my stomach would be sick all day, anticipating what kind of hell I would be in for that week. It had to end.

I was 13 years old and the year was 2004. I was in seventh grade when I saw my first therapist. I couldn't stand life at my dad's and I had to leave. It was getting so awful that I would imagine myself dead on the wood floor, with a knife stuck in my chest. Suicidal tendencies isn't anything new for me. I ended up having a restraining order against my dad for a month.

To this day, he doesn't really even care. He refuses to help with my college tuition and tries to cheat my mom out of child support money.

But to go back in time again, just imagine. Your father doesn't care about you, and his replacement is a stranger. 2001. My mom and Bob marry. Aileen Shepherd is no more. I haven't seen that name in years.

Well, everyone knows about issues with Bob. So we won't go into that.

My issues with self-worth and inferiority run deep. People compliment me often. I don't believe them. I see them as just being nice to me. I can't understand why anyone would like me. But somehow, they do. Everyone likes to tell me how majestically tall I am. But I'm so insecure about that. I hate being told how tall I am, because I just want to forget it. I don't want to have to worry about height differences with guys and being taller than everyone. It just reminds me of how much I don't like myself.

I was picked on and rejected all throughout elementary and middle school. In high school, I didn't fit in. I had friends, but I felt like I never belonged anywhere. Being picked on, I was always told that I was ugly. Even in high school, guys didn't look at me. So I don't see anything beautiful about myself or any of the other nice things people say to me.

It's so hard. Nobody can truly love me until I love myself. I just want to be loved, but I can't find a way through all of this darkness to love myself. I just want what everybody else has. Inferiority also has come from my issues with guys. I did everything right and I still wasn't good enough for them. I won't settle for any guy, but the ones that seem to be right never are...

You all know about my recent issues with CBC and whatnot, so we won't go into that either. But maybe now we all have a better understanding of why I feel the way I do (I'm starting to understand as well). It's not about my friends just being gone, it's about the only REAL friends I've ever had not being here. It's about being left behind, unable to sever all of these unpleasant feelings that tie me here. My father. My past. My bad experiences. Going away to college would allow me to shove all of those ties in a closet and start a new life. But here I am, tethered to my misery.

None of this was my fault. It's all horrible shit that has been done to me, and crippled me as a person. Because of all of this, I am wise for my age. I have seen so much more than most my age have.

And now here I am, finally waking up and pushing through the darkness. Therapy is helping me to understand my problems and how they can be solved. My relationship with my father will never be solid, but that's not my fault. I'm slowly accepting that I am different. I have a strong opinion and will fight for what I believe in/don't believe in. I will be understanding of so many more people. And I know I bring light to the lives of others. . .

I just need to learn how to bring light to my own life. And hopefully, going away to a university and finding the people I belong with will help. And anti-depressants.

I love you all so much. Please help me to learn how to love myself as well.

"The grave looks cold but we're still young."