Lately.

Je veux ton amour et je veux ton revenge.

Life has been weird lately. I had five different professions of love in 24 hours.

1. Jeff revealing that he was developing a crush on me last year before he went in the Navy. Funny, I always had a little thing for him and would talk to him when I was confused by Ben ignoring me. I never thought he would like me, he's cool, goofy, and funny.

2. Arjun calling me from California professing that he was madly in love with me. We've never met. He lives outside of San Francisco. He accused me of raping him mentally, when I didn't do anything at all, but be myself.

3. Random dude from Egypt telling me on IMVU that he wanted to fall in love with me.

4. Courtney, one of my old co-workers, revealed that she had a little crush on me.

5. The really big one, Gabe. He said that he is jealous for me whenever any other guy is around. He doesn't want to hurt me, ever. He wants to always be good. He protects me. He's got a crush on me. And I've always had one on him. He's intelligent, creative, open-minded, beautiful, funny, goofy, weird... sigh. We got kinda mushy about how he loves to see me smile and that we think the other person is more beautiful and awesome. I just don't know though.

Shindigs at Rafe and Squared's are the best! We dance the night away, drink a little (or a lot), smoke a little, hang out, and just have great fun. We dance and joke around all night, telling people how much we love them. 80s party, classy party, regular party.. it's always fun! :) I can run around in the circle pit of the living room, do Oi chugs with the guys, and dance like a freak with Lindsi. And get molested by Bronson, of course. He's Lindsi's pet cocker spaniel, so don't worry.

My moods are unpredictable. I desperately searched for my sleeping pills one night so I could take enough to put me in a coma. I can't handle this anymore. But I pulled through. But to have Bob just anger me, talk down to me, and explain why I'm never doing good enough or being productive enough, really drags me down. And you wonder why I have psychosis. I'll be fine for a little while though.

I have to find a job that will provide me with 30 hours of work per week because I won't be in school. That's fine, I'll move out. Lindsi and I will be getting an apartment together. We can talk talk talk and never shut up. We'll have dance parties, photo shoots for her clothing line, make muffins in the morning, teach her how to use makeup, drink coffee and smoke cigarettes, make beautiful art, and live a happy life in the shitty TC. And we'll have three cats and a dog. Gruber is Rafe's cat.

We're also starting a band called Little Hats and Feathers. I'll learn how to play my guitar and she'll learn keyboard. Then we'll sing together and go on little tours as cute, tall, weird girls and be adored by dozens of people. Not hundreds. But maybe dozens.

We just understand each other. It's lovely. She's making me orange, zebra-print pants right now for their show on Friday. I love Bomb the Streets. We found Ben and his lady friend at Hot Topic so we went to Zumiez together to find him some new shoes. He's picky and didn't find any.

Off to Rafe's. I changed from my cute attire into houndstooth snow boots, torn black jeans, my striped turtleneck, and orange arm-warmers. And new feather headband.

We all did a shot of Crown Royal (not good, still makes me shudder) and relaxed. Rafe wanted beer so I drove him to Rite-Aid so we could get PBR. He joked around with the cashier while I held my bottle of mountain dew. And then we drove back to the apartment and danced to "Little Girls" by Oingo Boingo.

He started drinking and gives me the stink-eye and says, "What the fuck's wrong with you?"

I stand there and give him a face back. "What's wrong with me? A lot the fuck is wrong with me!" as I make a ridiculous face.

Rafe just smiles, gives me a high five and says, " I love you man."

Lindsi and I toyed around on the keyboard while Bricker was talking about comic books to us and our adventure to Hastings this coming Thursday. Ben and his ladyfriend went in the kitchen and hid from the rest of us. Twas a good day. Final wasn't too hard. Psychiatrist sucked. Haircut and shopping with Lindsi? YES!

Failed photo shoot? Meh, we're rescheduling. And my skin will be better, then. And I can dye my hair.

Oh and WTF with Spencer lately.

He apologized for what he did to me this summer, sincerely. He said he was such an asshole and I didn't deserve that. I'm a genuine person and that he never should have let me go, blah blah.

He's said some weird things though.
"I can't wait to see you."
"You know how hard it is for me to say no to you."

Then we were talking about sleeping and comfortable places, so I mentioned the time I couldn't get him away from my bed because it's so comfy.

"I'll have to see for myself one of these days."

GAH I DON'T GET IT.
Whatever, I don't really care. It's just weird.

I'm so stoked to move out and have my own life, be free and do whatever I like, whenever. And to become fully independent.

Jeff comes home the 22nd for two weeks. I'm stoked to see him, it's been so long!

Note: Camel no. 9s are better than Marlboro Lights. I think I'm a Camel girl.