Acetaminophen. Ibuprofen. Pseudoephedrine.
As I sit here wishing for death, sometimes it just seems wonderfully easy to make that leap. I am sick and cannot sleep, for my head is so pressurized that it might explode. And I'm on three different drugs right now for pain.
I just think about how easy it would be to eat a bottle of pills, just lie down, and drift away. To transcend beyond this meager earth and have my soul become energy, becoming one with the universe and turning into a star, while my body decomposes with the maggots six feet under. Would an entire bottle of Tylenol be enough, or would I need something stronger like Sudafed?
Honestly, what keeps me alive anymore? The pursuit of something better? Hope? I become all optimistic and happy when I'm around the friends that I love, which is why I hate being at home. I become depressed and suicidal because I can't fucking stand this boring life anymore. I feel as if nothing spectacular happens in my life, like it does for other people. Lather, rinse, repeat. Really? Is this what my life is to be?
I've been suicidal since I was 11 years old. For eight goddamned years I have been waiting for my life to change and be happy.
-None of my parents are completely sane as far as parenting should go.
-My dreams are constantly held back by what other people want.
-I'm supposed to live my life the "smart" way.
-My friends are confusing and don't tell me how they honestly feel or can't express themselves fully around me. And I don't know why, because I try to be the best I can be to them yet I don't get the same in return.
-And I have awful taste in men. I give them my heart on a silver platter, want to show them the world, and what do they do? Stomp on it, when I have been attentive and done everything right.
-I feel that I'm never good enough for anyone.
-The world is a disgusting place in my eyes.
Is it unfair karma? That I am plagued with constant unhappiness for the traits that I do possess? I'm smart. I'm attractive. I'm not poor. I'm charismatic and dependable. Overall, I'd say I'm a good person.
So why can't I be happy. Will I ever be? I cradle a small bundle of hope in my hands, wishing that someday my life will be so magnificent that it will truly be a bad idea to throw it away. But that little shining light has diminished over the years. Fading and shrinking, fading and shrinking.
I can't take this anymore. My life must change to be happy. In any way, shape, or form. I must be growing and changing to be happy.
I'm a strong girl, but I'm growing weak. A bottle of bright, plastic capsules just seems so beautiful right now. Every day I think about my death. Who would show up to my funeral? Who would actually care that I was gone? What would people say?
Life isn't beautiful. It's a world of gray, swirling together and sucking out my soul like a dementor. I'm stuck in a tornado and can't find a way to escape.
What's the use of wondrin', for I've been wondrin' for years with no result.
Pardon me Lauren, but you haven't even left your parent's house or the Tri-Cities. I don't think you've given the world a fair shot yet.
ReplyDeleteI've always believed (to an extent) that life is what we make of it. So make something! Instead of watching a movie, go on an adventure. See things. Stars, trees, water, UFO's, monsters in the corn, whatever. The world can seem so impossibly small and hopeless, but conversely it can be limitless and thrilling. It all depends on you. It would be a tragedy if you died so young. And who cares about your funeral? You wouldn't.
I hope you can see that although we do live in a hideous world, there is still a lot of beauty. I don't want you to die. And I'm sure a bunch of other people feel the same way.
So chin up, you'll be out of Bob's dominion soonish. And someday a boy will really see you. Until then, just try to live.
I want to escape and see the world but there are just too many obstacles in my way. So it seems impossible.
ReplyDeleteI just want to be happy.
I think if you really want that, you will be. AT least sometimes. No one is happy all the time. Most people aren't even happy the majority of the time.
ReplyDeleteAre you not moving out with Rachel?
I want to, but there is so much that needs to be done that I don't know about. My car needs to be paid off and the suspension fixed. My wisdom teeth will need to be taken out soon, and stuff like that.
ReplyDeleteI just don't know what my parents will pay for and what they won't. Plus, if I don't adjust wholly to their plan for my spending habits, starting in January I'm going to have to pay for my own schooling. And I can't afford that.
It's just so confusing. I don't want to grow up.
Interesting conundrum huh?
ReplyDeleteThe ugly responsibilities of adulthood versus the awful trap of being a kid without freedom.
Freedom is worth it though.
Maybe you should consider going away to a school if they will pay for that.
If not,
you won't be living there forever. You can only really go to CBC for two years.
It's sad how the more things you have, car, cell phone, internet, house, pets..etc. The more tied down you are.
Car maintenance sucks. It's something you just have to keep on paying for.
However, if there is one thing that human beings know how to do, it is survival.
Also, worrying yourself sick over things you can't impact will make you lose your mind.
(Like me and my nose.)
Take things individually and don't freak out.
Are you still pursing your job in forensics?
Yeah, it is interesting to say the least. I'll survive, maybe I can find something to restore some of my faith in humanity.
ReplyDeleteAnd your nose is perfectly fine, I think it's lovely.
Yep, forensic toxicology is still my main goal. Go dead people.